November 21, 2006
I Have Been Possessed and Lived to Tell
It all started this past Sunday when I snapped a dishcloth in Rex Grossman’s face. He had done yet another stupid play and I’d finally had enough.
Studs and I, loyal Bears fans that we are, were glued to the TV. Now I’m not the world’s most brilliant person, but I know dumb when I see it and Grossman was once again playing brainless. I was so aggravated that I retreated into the kitchen to complete the finishing touches for our little tailgate party.
Halftime came, the food was ready, and I was still pissed at Mr. Football. Studs moved to the couch for easier access to the coffee table and his plate while I grabbed a wing chair with the remote stuffed in the cushion. Earlier Studs had been flipping channels between the Bears and the Patriots games. I adore Bill Belachek and his coaching. No one can fault the guy’s leadership or record. After grumbling about the remote’s location, jammed into my hip was not pleasant, I took over the job as head clicker. And I fell in love!
It all became clear why men were drawn to and driven by the power of such a small device. If Grossman pissed me off again one easy finger action, not that one people, and click it was Tom Brady doing some spectacular play. What a rush!
When the afternoon games were finished, we sped through cleaning the cottage and headed back to the city for the Sunday Night games with the best announcers around, John Madden and Al Michaels.
We make it home in time for the kickoff of the Chargers and Broncos. Within minutes, Studs was in dreamland stretched out on the recliner and I was nestled into the couch under a thirty pound afghan with the remote, because now it’s mine, lying on my chest.
The power. God, I loved the power. Click, it’s the game, another click, it’s Without a Trace. Back and forth, back in forth, all night long. I was in Utopia.
Monday night football arrived and I skulked around until I located my new best friend, the remote. Back under the afghan and another re-entry to Eden. That awesome power was back.
Somewhere in the back of my mind a niggling fear took hold. Had aliens come down and changed me into a man? Was my next gesture a public scratch? Shudders ran threw me at the vile thought. I lifted my thin narrow friend and eyed it suspiciously. Was it some foreign device erasing my femininity?
Reason took hold. With a shriek I tossed the evil devil across the room onto Studs lap, vowing never to cohabitate with the devil again.
The world is again on its axis and I am at peace. Life is once again normal as I consider which lingerie to wear and plan dinner. The horror has ended and I am grateful.