Who slapped that cheeseburger on my ass?
May 2, 2007 | General
Studs oldest daughter is getting married June 2 and everyone is getting into wedding mode. About two weeks back the time had come for his tuxedo fitting and my search for a dress. We don’t like to jump into things and usually wait to the last minute if you haven’t guessed.
Off we went to the bridal shop/tuxedo store and the ruination of my life.
While Studs is standing spread-eagle and a dozen young hands slide across his body, I wander over to the racks of gowns in every conceivable color you could imagine. Dress upon dress and rack after rack, no matter what the size (trust me, I am not fessing up here to my number) they all looked like I should have a lily in one hand and the other on a casket lid, ready to slam it shut.
Finally, I found one under $600.00 (gasp), a pale aqua with the least amount of plastic rhinestones and requested a dressing room.
The room the perky clerk escorted me to had a dozen mirrors and a platform. I figured it had to be the one for the bridal dress fittings. She left with a promise to return and I stripped down to my usual Saturday housecleaning undies. And the real trauma began.
No matter where I looked, cellulite bulged and dared me to fit my big butt into the only dress in the entire shop that might not make me look like a corpse. The entire episode was horrible. After much sucking in and wiggling, I handed the dress to the clerk then we left with me in a mood to chew nails.
On the drive home I decided no more soft drinks, beer, wine, vodka, breads, or anything above a calorie count of two would pass my lips. Studs was very sympathetic and had enough sense not to ask what happened. The man has a true survivor instinct. I had also vowed to finally exercise before my ass took over our entire town and ran for mayor. Again, Studs reacted like a champ and didn’t utter one word. In fact, he kept his eyes glued to the road. Now you know why I love this guy. He’s got brains.
I was good. I swear I was. For almost four days. I exercised, which I hate, and gave up all the good things in life, except Studs. I behaved with determination until one day when my writing and the telephone had driven me insane. And the whole damned program fell like Rome. I have no self-control and admit it.
Now it’s four weeks until the wedding and I am dressless with a stomach big enough that it should start paying taxes in the next county. CRAP! And I dread my next excursion into the land of clothes shops.
Do you think anyone would notice if I wore a paper sack?
Sloane
So Sloane, was THAT why you forbade me to bring out the pretzels that night? 😉
Who says you have to buy your dress in the bridal shop? Is it formal? For you, I mean?
I can relate, oh how I can relate! It is a shock, isn’t it, when your past few months catch up with you like that.
You’ll find something beautiful, I know you will. Try Carson’s. They always have beautiful clothes.
On May 3rd, 2007 at 9:37 pmYou got it! It is formal and since I’m with the father of the bride, I need to be at least semi formal.
I’m dead set against Macy’s now that they’ve obliterated the Field’s name so Carson’s it is and thanks for the advice.
On May 4th, 2007 at 7:10 amSloane,
Did you try David’s Bridal? Give that a shot.
On May 6th, 2007 at 10:42 pmNo matter what … I’m sure you’ll look lovely!
Thanks, Marsha! I never thought of David’s. I’ll do it.
On May 7th, 2007 at 6:41 am